It started with a mail from someone who was well known for his videos. He took part in different video series of known porn labels with various themes like step siblings, stepmothers, real estate or casting agents and so on and on. Usually, he made POV-videos with changing women and topics.
So, when he mailed us and asked if she was interested in making a video with him, it triggered different reactions and feelings. She was a bit confused and surprised but intrigued. I was surprised, as well. Additionally, I felt a sudden rise of jealousy. I hid it while she was talking about the mail with sheer excitement in her voice. Even though it was not the first person to ask, if she was interested in making a video or stream together, it was the first person who made it professionally. It was not a fan who was just interested in having sex with a pretty woman (or any sex at all). This was a serious business proposal. While she talked about it, I kept silent and explored the previously unfelt pain of jealousy.
The last time I felt something like that was when I was still involved with Rosie. Looking back at that time, I felt like a teenager who has been in love for the first time. So far, I never thought about it very much. During the times when I drunk too much wine and have been drunken a lot, I usually imagined how Rosie was involved with other men, my thoughts where directed outwards – to her. But never the other way around, inwards. During the times with Rosie, I was not only in deeply in love, but also very unsecure. Unsecure about my relationship with her, unsecure about me and my self-esteem. She always challenged me, to proof I was good enough for her. I never thought, I was enough for her. And in the end, she confirmed it when she left me.
While listening to her talking about the invitation to participate in a video with another man, I realised that she was liking the idea in the same sense as I: It was a business opportunity. A chance to gain a bigger scope of viewers or fans, to increase her visibility and popularity. Since we reached a certain degree of, well, you could say fame with our streams and videos, she even earned money that raised her standard of living.
Seeing her talking about the business aspects of this mail made me aware of something I didn’t notice before: I was much more secure of my own worth – in both our eyes. In contrast to Rosie she challenged me to grow, to be better for myself. To be enough for myself, not to proof I was worth her time and attention.
She was not excited or interested in having sex with another man, she was looking forward to increase the success we both generated. With that understanding I knew, there was no need for jealousy.
Yes, she was thinking about sleeping with someone else, but she was not thinking about leaving me. She may be not living monogamously, but she was loyal to me – to us.
A few weeks later we met the other guy for a preliminary discussion of a possible collaboration. While we discussed the what, when, where I started to appreciate his jovial character and the same business attitude as I had with my girl. He approached the talk with a professional behaviour which was another soothing proof for me that I had no reason to worry or to be jealous. And when he suggested that they could make different videos that day and I could do the camera work and join the video, I realised that every inch of jealousy was gone and I started to look forward to our appointment.
The day after our meeting I received an email from a known female streamer if I was interested in a collaboration.